“I’m nervous.”
Jonah Delaney was watching his
brother pace the length of the townhouse’s wide open floor plan. Long strides and a grim expression. He couldn’t hide the smile playing around his
lips. He hadn’t seen Nolan this nervous
since the night of the guy’s junior prom.
“You?” He asked mildly. “Nervous?”
Nolan let up in his rhythmic
trajectory just long enough to shoot his brother a warning look.
Jonah held up his hands to imply
surrender. “Ok. Sorry.
Not helping.” Jonah conceded,
choking a chuckle.
“I don’t think I can do it.” His younger brother looked miserable and
wound too tight.
“You need to relax Nolan.” Jonah said with concern. “You’re going to psych yourself out.”
Nolan ran both hands through his
hair restlessly and stared blankly at the tv screen where Grey’s video game
character was doing some impressive martial arts against his opponent. It was summer vacation and today Velvet had
the girls out at some doll museum and then for some shopping—things Grey had
made a show of retching over when they were mentioned over breakfast that
morning. Jonah had grinned at the boy
and told him they could have a guy’s day.
They’d just finished a good
swim—Grey liked to race and also to dive, and afterward liked Jonah to throw a
ball while he ran in and tried to catch it jumping through the air before
splashing gloriously into the water (his mother didn’t like this activity
because she was sure her son would slip on the wet cement around the pool and
end up hurting himself, so this game was best played when Velvet wasn’t
poolside.)—when Jonah got the call from his brother.
Grey hadn’t minded the prospect of
seeing his Uncle Nolan at all. In fact,
Jonah was pretty sure the kid idolized him.
Jonah grinned.
“It isn’t funny, asshole. I didn’t do this to you when you started
flipping out about your first time with Velvet!” Nolan snapped.
Jonah’s eyes flicked to Grey, but
the boy seemed pretty engrossed in an action sequence on the screen. Then he gave an apologetic look to his
brother. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
He said contritely.
Nolan had been steadfast and
sympathetic and downright inspirational when Jonah had panicked (mildly) about
the prospect of making love to Velvet for the first time. The pressure to get it right, to be perfect, to
surpass all other lovers (Vaughan-fucking-Grey), had shaken Jonah to his bones
and he’d been unconvinced that he would be equal to the challenge. Nolan had come to his aid and given him a
regular pep-talk!
“First time what?” Grey asked casually.
The brothers stared at one
another, wide eyed. Neither spoke for a
moment. Maybe if they ignored him he’d
shrug and forget he asked.
The boy completed a round of
fast-paced button mashing, his cartoon avatar held up his hands in victory and
a series of stats replaced the action.
Grey turned around on the couch and looked at them expectantly. “First time what?” He repeated more clearly.
One thing Jonah loved about Grey,
though he was careful not to let the boy know just how fond of this he was, was
how completely entitled the boy felt when it came to being involved in adult
conversations. Most kids his age would
have asked the same question in a needling, underhanded, falsely bright, or
cloying manner. Grey asked it plainly,
and very plainly expected to be answered.
Maybe it was the way they’d raised him, or maybe it was simply embedded
in his personality, but Grey Delaney didn’t expect to be treated like a
child. He didn’t expect to be given a
Disney-softened response, a pat on the head and a ‘run along and play,
now’.
And whenever some unsuspecting
soul, be it a teacher or a relative or some service worker, tried to give Grey
the standard line of bullshit that adults are wont to feed children? Grey Delaney let them know their mistake in a
big way. Jonah had had to reprimand the
boy accordingly, each time of course, but he was always careful to make it
clear to his son that he wasn’t being punished for his curiosity, but for his
inappropriate response to being stonewalled.
‘That sort of reaction isn’t going
to get you the answers you were looking for—‘
Jonah would often say.
His favorite response so far was
one time quite recently when Grey had looked him square in the eye, his arms
crossed, his jaw set, and he’d said:
‘But Dad, that jerk was so full of bullshit he was stinking up the
house’, in reference to the headmaster of his private school who had come over
for a luncheon Velvet had hosted to celebrate the end of the school year. Grey had overheard an innuendo of some kind,
bristled, and demanded to know what the joke had meant. The headmaster had unwisely tried to brush
the kid off with some pablum or outright lie (Jonah hadn’t been in the room at
the time), and Grey had responded by spraying a healthy stream of air freshener
onto the man’s desert, pretending it was whipped cream.
The meager collection of frothy
foam created by the up-ended aerosol effect hadn’t fooled anyone, and
thankfully the man didn’t hazard a bite before Velvet could remove the overly
odiferous dessert plate and smooth his ruffled feathers.
Jonah had, in turn, removed Grey
from the party, as he often had to do, to attempt to solicit an apology from
the recalcitrant boy.
“He was hitting on Mom! And he
tried to bullshit me, like I’m some stupid little kid.” Grey had sulked, when Jonah tried to explain
that adults could make sexual jokes without necessarily meaning that they,
themselves wished to perform the acts alluded to.
Jonah had sighed, squeezed the
kid’s shoulder and returned the frank gaze.
“I know.” He’d said, startling
the boy’s eyes even rounder than they already were. “Your mother is a beautiful woman Grey; you’re
going to have to get used to men paying attention to her.”
Grey had scowled impressively
then. “You should make them stop.” He’d insisted acidly.
Jonah had been sympathetic, but
firm. “Behaving like a jealous,
possessive boor doesn’t accomplish anything.”
He’d explained to his son’s furrowed brow and stony countenance. “What kind of jerk would I look like if I
pounded my chest like a gorilla at every asshole who thought he had a chance
with your mother?”
Grey’s expression had slipped,
then, and a small smile threatened to destroy his man-of-the-house façade. Jonah’d winked at him. He had cursed to show solidarity with the
boy, and to let him know he wouldn’t be in trouble for his own use of forbidden
vocabulary. “Now let’s go apologize for
using toxic chemicals on the man’s pie and, just this once, because you felt
you were defending your mother’s honor, I’ll wave the usual sentence.’
And right now his ten year old
face looked serious and engaged and curious in a very grown up way. “Your uncle has a big date tonight.” Jonah answered honestly.
Nolan heaved a sigh and set to
pacing again while Grey made a skeptical face.
“Why are you so nervous for a date?”
The boy asked disdainfully. “You
go on dates all the time.” He had a keen
nose for bullshit. Jonah grinned at him
and adjusted his glasses.
“This is a special lady and a
special date.” He explained promptly.
Nolan glared at his brother, but what
could Jonah do but shrug? Lying and
euphemizing only made Grey more determined to get answers. Responding as honestly as possible and as
promptly as possible seemed to make things go much more smoothly around Grey.
Grey narrowed his pale green eyes
suspiciously and turned back to his game.
He began another round of combat, but Jonah could tell his ears were
perked and he was not going to zone out again.
He was listening now. God, damn,
but Jonah loved the kid.
“Look.” He said as his bother paced into the kitchen
area to get further away from his nephew’s all too alert ears. “I can’t remember you having any problems in
this arena before.”
This didn’t comfort Nolan. “There’s never been pressure like this
before!” He insisted, nearly in a panic.
Jonah’s eyes flicked to the
kitchen clock. “Just ticked past
noon. How about a little drink to calm
you down?” He suggested gently.
“What, you want me to be
completely impotent?!”
Jonah laughed. “One drink won’t render you useless.”
“If I start now I might not
stop.” Nolan moaned miserably, and
hopped up onto the kitchen counter. He
leaned his head back against the cabinet and stared pleadingly up at the
soaring ceiling of the townhouse.
Jonah pondered for a minute. “Well, this may be a little weird for you,
coming from me, but Velvet tells me that all of your previous girlfriends have
been more than satisfied with your…abilities.”
Nolan’s head tilted down very
slowly until he met Jonah’s eyes. “That
is weird for me, yes.” He relayed in a slow deadpan.
Jonah chuckled. “It was meant to bolster your
confidence.” He smiled broadly.
“Velvet knows these things?” He asked incredulously.
“Ladies talk.” Jonah shrugged.
“And then she told you?” He marveled, his voice climbing in pitch. “She told my brother that I’m—apparently—a satisfying
lover?!” He sounded mortified.
Jonah cleared his throat. “Actually, I got the impression that your
partners were far more than satisfied.” He said with a wicked grin, and watched his
brother wash over red and blotchy with embarrassment.
“Well shit.” He said, almost glumly.
Jonah raised his eyebrows. “I’d imagine it’s better than the
alternative, isn’t it?” He asked.
Nolan rolled his eyes.
The ‘pause’ sound effect rang from
the TV and Jonah heard Grey climb off the couch and walk toward them in the
kitchen. The brothers watched him make a
bee-line for the drawer Nolan and Caleb kept stocked with cookies and chips and
assorted junkfood.
“Just one.” Jonah reminded in a casual tone. Lecturing went right under Grey’s skin and
made him switch immediately into an obstinate defiant frame of mind. “I thought we’d grab some pizza downtown for
lunch.” He added. A subtle bribe for good measure.
Grey cocked his head to the side
thoughtfully. “DeNino’s or Pie in the
Sky?” He asked shrewdly.
Jonah knew better than to fall
into the trap most people didn’t see coming.
Grey respected a person who knew their mind, and he instantly disliked
indecision or deferring. ‘Oh, whatever
you want’ was an invitation for this ten-going-on-eleven year old to make your
day misery.
“I prefer the crust at Pie in the
Sky.” Jonah responded
dispassionately.
Grey mulled this over as he rooted
around for a particular candy bar. When
at last he’d unearthed one he could tolerate, he slid the drawer closed and
nodded shortly. “P.i.t.S. is ok this
time, but next time we have to switch it up.”
He bargained.
Jonah squinted, pretending to
weigh this counter offer carefully, then he, too, nodded shortly and
agreed. “That seems reasonable.” Things went better with Grey if you let him
think he had talked you into something.
“I’ll go with you next time.” Nolan said.
“I think Denino’s has it all over Pits.” He winked at his nephew.
Grey smiled and grabbed a juice
box from the refrigerator. To the surprise
of both brothers, Grey chose not to return to the living room and the paused
videogame, but chose, instead, to climb into a tall barstool beside Jonah at
the kitchen island.
“So, are you nervous about having
sex?” Grey asked bluntly.
Nolan’s whole face changed so
cartoonishly that Jonah couldn’t help laughing.
His brother mouthed silently a few times, and blinked a lot. Grey jammed the little plastic straw into his
juicebox and had a long sip. He watched
his uncle without mercy.
“I’m.” Nolan struggled. He sent some ‘help me’ glares at Jonah, but
Jonah only smiled and leaned more comfortably back on the stool. He was enormously relieved it was his
brother, and not himself, that was caught in Grey’s unflinching, pale-green
scrutiny this time. “I…am…having some…anxiety about it, yes.” Nolan finally managed to say, sounding for
all the world as though he were making his way through a linguistic mine field.
Grey frowned. “But you said it was supposed to feel really
good.”
Nolan closed his eyes, and though
Jonah knew his brother wasn’t religious, it sure looked like he was
praying. Jonah himself was turning beet
red from suppressed laughter. Nolan had said that. They’d given Grey the birds and the bees talk
together. Velvet had wanted no part in
it and begged Jonah to do it. Jonah had
enlisted his brother’s help because he was afraid he’d screw it up if left to
his own devices. He had a tendency to
get flowery and longwinded. Nolan had
helped keep the discussion grounded, on-track, and candid.
Now (and not for the first time)
it was biting them in the ass, all their open frankness with the boy.
“It is.” Nolan responded after a moment. “It does.” He frowned. “I mean, it should.”
Grey struggled with the candy
wrapper, and though Jonah held out his hand in an offer to help, Grey pointedly
ignored it and attacked the plastic with his teeth instead. Jonah smiled despite himself. “Don’t let your mother see you doing
that.” He reminded with a laugh.
Grey flashed a smile as the
plastic ripped and he was able to free the candy. Then he fixed his uncle with a serious
expression. “Then why are you
afraid?” He demanded. “You should be glad about it.”
“The boy makes a fair point.” Jonah said with all the seriousness he could
muster.
Nolan glared at him. “I’m very glad.” He said patiently. “But this is my first time with this
particular person, and I—“ His stormy
gray-blue eyes searched the air infront of him for the right words. “I guess I just want everything to be
perfect.” He finished almost vulnerably.
Jonah softened. “Nolan.”
He said quietly. “Don’t over
think it.” He advised, his voice gentle.
“Trust your instincts with this girl—they’ve served you beautifully so
far.”
Nolan placed his palms on the
counter on either side of him and leaned heavily upon them. He stared at the kitchen island, concern
painted all over his face. “Jonah if
she’s the one and I mess this part up—“
He couldn’t even bring himself to follow the sentence through to
conclusion.
“You should give her oral sex.” Grey interjected sagely, a mouth half-full of
chocolate bar.
Jonah’s first instinct was to
burst out in delighted laughter. Having
Grey around had never proven boring, and his entertainment value only seemed to
increase as he grew. He just hoped the
boy wasn’t teaching all the other kids at school what he’d learned from his
afternoon of sex ed with the Delaney brothers.
Because they had certainly covered more ground than your average, run of
the mill ‘when a man and a woman love eachother very much’ speech.
And, judging by the latest comment
out of his mouth, the boy had retained a good deal of the lesson.
He held his breath and only just
barely managed not to laugh. He didn’t
want to undermine Grey’s newly acquired knowledge and nascent exploration with
the terminology and the concepts.
Jonah sometimes wondered what had
possessed them to answer every single one of the boy’s questions that fateful afternoon
a few months back. Maybe it was their
commitment to the oath they’d made to be completely honest and one-hundred-percent
open in the discussion(after all, Grey had that spectacular ingrained bullshit
meter!). Perhaps it stemmed from a
desire to give the boy a healthy and positive view of sex and sexuality. At least some of it probably sprang out of
this bet-I-can-last-longer-than-you competitive streak they’d had since they
were boys; each new question Grey would ask of them, the brothers would meet eyes and silently dare
the other to back down from answering.
Neither had been willing to back down first, and thus, they’d talked and
explained and clarified with the boy until he’d exhausted every question and
avenue known to him. He’d seemed
fascinated that there was so much more to the ‘Daddy fertilizes an egg in
Mommy’s tummy’ explanation that he’d been given a few years before when the
family was preparing to welcome Viola into the world, and the even more
simplistic explanation Velvet had cooked up when Grey was a kindergartener and
they were expecting the twins.
“Thank you Grey.” Nolan said dryly. “I had planned on it.”
Grey nodded approvingly and sipped
his juicebox, completely unaware that his contribution to the conversation was
anything other than ‘one-of-the-guys’.
Jonah grinned broadly at his brother.
Nolan did not respond in kind.
“Definitely do the oral.” Jonah affirmed with a smirk. “But beyond that, don’t get all wrapped up in
your head about it.” He implored. “You said the kissing has been phenomenal.”
Nolan nodded. Grey made a face that suggested he found
kissing to be a less than appetizing activity.
Jonah felt his gut tense with unexpressed laughter. Oral sex was fine, recommended even, but
kissing a girl was on the gross side. He
was practically crying with suppressed mirth.
“If she’s the one, Nolan, you
won’t be able to mess it up.” He
reasoned when he was able to trust his voice.
Nolan widened his eyes and shook
his head pityingly. “Jonah, I can think
of about a hundred different scenarios in which this night ends in disaster.”
“Turn off your brain, idiot, and
follow the cues she gives you.” Jonah
said firmly. “You know all this. What’s this really about?”
Nolan fell silent and once again
studied the surface of the kitchen island with great interest. Hm.
“Does your penis like her?”
Fuck. Jonah and Nolan both burst out laughing,
unable to help themselves, and then had to work very hard to soothe Grey’s
bruised ego. Nolan helped by teaching
the boy some acceptable colloquialisms—explaining that it wasn’t what Grey’d said that was funny, just how he’d phrased it.
Jonah had had to excuse himself
for a moment before he was able to get a grip.
When he returned Nolan was handing him a second juice box and telling
him that yes, he was very attracted to her and, yes, his body responded just
fine, and that wouldn’t be a problem at all, but praised him for his shrewd
detective work on the matter.
Jonah cleared his throat. “Ok, so if it’s not physiological—“ he began with a twinkle in his eye, “then
it’s all psychological.” He stared his
brother down. “What is it?” He implored earnestly. “What’s got you so wound up?”
Nolan pressed his fingertips into
the island top and met Jonah’s eyes over Grey’s head. “I love her.”
He said simply.
Jonah pushed his glasses up a
fraction and searched his brother’s eyes.
“You said yourself you’ve loved other women.” He reminded him gently.
Nolan pursed his lips. “But not first. Not until after. Later.
Usually much later than this stage of the game.” He looked grim and glum.
“Well.” Said Jonah, his voice kind, “It makes the whole
experience infinitely more powerful this way.”
Again Nolan ran an impatient hand
through his already wild hair. “I don’t
know.” He muttered.
The Delaney boys fell quiet, save
for the hollow, wet sound of Grey draining his second juicebox.
“Maybe I should wait.” Nolan said weakly. “Take more time.” It hung there limply for a
moment, sad and desperate.
“What if she wants to do it,
though?” Grey challenged.
“Well said, Grey.” Jonah affirmed without condescension. “It isn’t exactly all your decision here,
Nolan.” He smiled. “The lady may be looking forward to this
evening.”
“If it’s as fun as you say it
is.” Grey ventured, peering at his dad
and uncle as if it might all be some elaborate practical joke they were playing
on him that they’d just yet to reveal.
Like they’d made up this wild concept of sex just to mess with him.
Jonah watched his brother drum his
fingertips on the countertop with a frenetic energy that manifested from
indecision and conflict.
“Can I have a word with your Dad
privately Grey?” Nolan asked.
Grey frowned fiercely. Jonah wasn’t sure what he should do. It was healthy for Grey to hear all this,
good for him to see his uncle work through this issue. But it was also Nolan’s private life and not
simply a teachable moment for a ten year old.
“It’s not about sex, it’s about love.” Nolan elaborated.
Grey rolled his eyes mightily at
this pronouncement and made a disgusted little sound as he hopped off the
barstool and headed to throw his wrapper and empty cardboard juice boxes in the
trash. “He’s the expert.” The boy muttered sourly, and headed back to
the video game.
Jonah followed him with his eyes,
bemused. What the hell had he meant by that? It certainly hadn’t sounded charitable.
When the grunts and cartoon punch
sounds had resumed Nolan gestured toward the back patio.
Jonah followed, allowing his
brother this added privacy, but positioning himself at the windowed door so he
could quickly look to see what Grey was up to if necessary. The boy was ten, so he wasn’t concerned about
accidental harm; he was more concerned about intentional mischief. Grey’s nature was, by default, that of a
troublemaker.
“I think I want to tell her.”
Nolan said without preamble.
Jonah’s eyebrows rose almost to
his scalp. “Really.”
His brother set to pacing—new
location, same nervous habit. “I
know. Stupid thing to do. Three dates?
Stupid.” He lashed himself
disapprovingly. “But I think that’s how
it’s got to be. With her. With Zahra.”
He sighed heavily and sank unexpectedly to slump in an Adirondack deck
chair.
“You’re afraid she doesn’t feel
the same?” Jonah asked softly.
Nolan nodded. “I’m almost one hundred percent sure that
this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I really
believe that she’ll eventually feel the same, but Jones, she’s younger, you
know? Maybe she needs a little more
time. To get there.” He scrubbed his fingers through his hair savagely. “Three dates?
I just don’t want to move too fast and scare her away.” He despaired.
“So maybe don’t tell her with
words. Perhaps you should let your
actions express how you feel.”
Nolan sighed. “I want us to both feel the same way before
we take the next step.” He said,
sounding resolute but powerfully regretful.
“That’s very noble and romantic.” Jonah said.
“No.” Nolan argued.
“It’s idiotic and it’ll probably cost me the most amazing woman that’s
ever come into my life.”
Jonah chuckled. “Well, since sex seems to be one of your
leading talents—“ He smiled. “—you may be doing yourself a disservice
here…”
“Shut up.” His brother groused.
“Is she expecting it? Tonight?
Do you think?” Jonah asked in a
placating gone.
“Honestly?” Nolan asked.
He looked for Jonah’s nod to go ahead.
“I think she’s wanted it since the afternoon we met, Jones.” He blew air out through his lips and closed
his eyes. “God knows I have. It’s all I can think about. Her face, her body, her hair, her eyes. The smell of her. That voice that makes me hum.” When his eyes re-opened they were blazing
with intensity. “I’m the biggest idiot
in the world, aren’t I?”
Jonah tilted his head to the side
and pursed his lips. He tried never to
answer rhetorical questions of that nature.
Nolan nodded. “I’m a fucking moron.” He concluded.
“I’m going to do what you said.”
Jonah stood a little straighter,
always wary of people taking his advice out of context.
“I’m going to get out of my own
fucking way.” His brother rose to his
feet, a newfound determination fueling a sudden energy. “I’m going to lay my heart out there on the
table in every way I possibly can, besides
words, and see how she responds.” His
eyes were focused on some future developments Jonah couldn’t see. “I’ll
know. I’ll be able to tell.”
Jonah frowned. “This sounds a bit like a trap.” He cautioned.
“Don’t set yourself up with too many expectations—“
“How d’you think Velvet would feel
about having us over for dinner tonight?”
Nolan asked suddenly.
Jonah’s eyes went large. “You want your third date to be a double
date? At a house full of kids?” He queried, wondering if his brother had lost
his marbles.
Nolan nodded.
“Jesus, Nole, I think you’d better
run that by Zahra.” He said firmly, but
not unkindly. “There’ll be plenty of
time for us to get to know her—I’m sure of it.”
Nolan shook his head. “No. I
need to know—“ He said cryptically. “Can you call her? Velvet?
Right now, and ask? I’ll bring
the wine, obviously. Just ask. Please?”
Nolan didn’t wait for an answer,
just pushed past a dumbfounded Jonah, into the house, and bounded for the telephone. “Better yet—how about I cook here and you all
come over—is that too hard with the baby?”
Jonah trailed back into the cool
of the townhouse and closed the door against the roasting July noon day sun. “Nolan.”
Jonah didn’t know what to say.
“I have that portable high chair thing;
we should be good, right? I can turn the
sprinkler on for the girls—I’ll probably grill or something—whaddaya say? Can you make it? You don’t have other plans, right? I’ll get Caleb home too.”
His brother was flushed with
excitement, his handsome face set with determination.
Jonah sighed. He looked at Grey, whose game was paused
again and who was already staring at him, his face a question mark. He’d have to pull the boy aside and coach him
on what was and was not appropriate to say about sex at the dinner this
evening.
“What time would you like us
here?” He fixed his most encouraging
smile on his face and hoped to hell his brother knew what he was doing.
