Nerves

“I’m nervous.” 

Jonah Delaney was watching his brother pace the length of the townhouse’s wide open floor plan.  Long strides and a grim expression.  He couldn’t hide the smile playing around his lips.  He hadn’t seen Nolan this nervous since the night of the guy’s junior prom.

“You?”  He asked mildly.  “Nervous?”

Nolan let up in his rhythmic trajectory just long enough to shoot his brother a warning look. 

Jonah held up his hands to imply surrender.  “Ok.  Sorry.  Not helping.”  Jonah conceded, choking a chuckle.

“I don’t think I can do it.”  His younger brother looked miserable and wound too tight.

“You need to relax Nolan.”  Jonah said with concern.  “You’re going to psych yourself out.”

Nolan ran both hands through his hair restlessly and stared blankly at the tv screen where Grey’s video game character was doing some impressive martial arts against his opponent.  It was summer vacation and today Velvet had the girls out at some doll museum and then for some shopping—things Grey had made a show of retching over when they were mentioned over breakfast that morning.  Jonah had grinned at the boy and told him they could have a guy’s day. 

They’d just finished a good swim—Grey liked to race and also to dive, and afterward liked Jonah to throw a ball while he ran in and tried to catch it jumping through the air before splashing gloriously into the water (his mother didn’t like this activity because she was sure her son would slip on the wet cement around the pool and end up hurting himself, so this game was best played when Velvet wasn’t poolside.)—when Jonah got the call from his brother.

Grey hadn’t minded the prospect of seeing his Uncle Nolan at all.  In fact, Jonah was pretty sure the kid idolized him.  Jonah grinned.

“It isn’t funny, asshole.  I didn’t do this to you when you started flipping out about your first time with Velvet!”  Nolan snapped. 

Jonah’s eyes flicked to Grey, but the boy seemed pretty engrossed in an action sequence on the screen.  Then he gave an apologetic look to his brother.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”  He said contritely.

Nolan had been steadfast and sympathetic and downright inspirational when Jonah had panicked (mildly) about the prospect of making love to Velvet for the first time.  The pressure to get it right, to be perfect, to surpass all other lovers (Vaughan-fucking-Grey), had shaken Jonah to his bones and he’d been unconvinced that he would be equal to the challenge.  Nolan had come to his aid and given him a regular pep-talk!

“First time what?”  Grey asked casually.

The brothers stared at one another, wide eyed.  Neither spoke for a moment.  Maybe if they ignored him he’d shrug and forget he asked.

The boy completed a round of fast-paced button mashing, his cartoon avatar held up his hands in victory and a series of stats replaced the action.  Grey turned around on the couch and looked at them expectantly.  “First time what?”  He repeated more clearly.

One thing Jonah loved about Grey, though he was careful not to let the boy know just how fond of this he was, was how completely entitled the boy felt when it came to being involved in adult conversations.  Most kids his age would have asked the same question in a needling, underhanded, falsely bright, or cloying manner.  Grey asked it plainly, and very plainly expected to be answered.  Maybe it was the way they’d raised him, or maybe it was simply embedded in his personality, but Grey Delaney didn’t expect to be treated like a child.  He didn’t expect to be given a Disney-softened response, a pat on the head and a ‘run along and play, now’. 

And whenever some unsuspecting soul, be it a teacher or a relative or some service worker, tried to give Grey the standard line of bullshit that adults are wont to feed children?  Grey Delaney let them know their mistake in a big way.  Jonah had had to reprimand the boy accordingly, each time of course, but he was always careful to make it clear to his son that he wasn’t being punished for his curiosity, but for his inappropriate response to being stonewalled.

‘That sort of reaction isn’t going to get you the answers you were looking for—‘  Jonah would often say.

His favorite response so far was one time quite recently when Grey had looked him square in the eye, his arms crossed, his jaw set, and he’d said:  ‘But Dad, that jerk was so full of bullshit he was stinking up the house’, in reference to the headmaster of his private school who had come over for a luncheon Velvet had hosted to celebrate the end of the school year.  Grey had overheard an innuendo of some kind, bristled, and demanded to know what the joke had meant.  The headmaster had unwisely tried to brush the kid off with some pablum or outright lie (Jonah hadn’t been in the room at the time), and Grey had responded by spraying a healthy stream of air freshener onto the man’s desert, pretending it was whipped cream.

The meager collection of frothy foam created by the up-ended aerosol effect hadn’t fooled anyone, and thankfully the man didn’t hazard a bite before Velvet could remove the overly odiferous dessert plate and smooth his ruffled feathers.

Jonah had, in turn, removed Grey from the party, as he often had to do, to attempt to solicit an apology from the recalcitrant boy.

“He was hitting on Mom! And he tried to bullshit me, like I’m some stupid little kid.”  Grey had sulked, when Jonah tried to explain that adults could make sexual jokes without necessarily meaning that they, themselves wished to perform the acts alluded to. 

Jonah had sighed, squeezed the kid’s shoulder and returned the frank gaze.  “I know.”  He’d said, startling the boy’s eyes even rounder than they already were.  “Your mother is a beautiful woman Grey; you’re going to have to get used to men paying attention to her.”

Grey had scowled impressively then.  “You should make them stop.”  He’d insisted acidly.

Jonah had been sympathetic, but firm.  “Behaving like a jealous, possessive boor doesn’t accomplish anything.”  He’d explained to his son’s furrowed brow and stony countenance.  “What kind of jerk would I look like if I pounded my chest like a gorilla at every asshole who thought he had a chance with your mother?”

Grey’s expression had slipped, then, and a small smile threatened to destroy his man-of-the-house façade.  Jonah’d winked at him.  He had cursed to show solidarity with the boy, and to let him know he wouldn’t be in trouble for his own use of forbidden vocabulary.  “Now let’s go apologize for using toxic chemicals on the man’s pie and, just this once, because you felt you were defending your mother’s honor, I’ll wave the usual sentence.’

And right now his ten year old face looked serious and engaged and curious in a very grown up way.  “Your uncle has a big date tonight.”  Jonah answered honestly.

Nolan heaved a sigh and set to pacing again while Grey made a skeptical face.  “Why are you so nervous for a date?”  The boy asked disdainfully.  “You go on dates all the time.”  He had a keen nose for bullshit.  Jonah grinned at him and adjusted his glasses. 

“This is a special lady and a special date.”  He explained promptly.

Nolan glared at his brother, but what could Jonah do but shrug?  Lying and euphemizing only made Grey more determined to get answers.  Responding as honestly as possible and as promptly as possible seemed to make things go much more smoothly around Grey.

Grey narrowed his pale green eyes suspiciously and turned back to his game.  He began another round of combat, but Jonah could tell his ears were perked and he was not going to zone out again.  He was listening now.  God, damn, but Jonah loved the kid.

“Look.”  He said as his bother paced into the kitchen area to get further away from his nephew’s all too alert ears.  “I can’t remember you having any problems in this arena before.”

This didn’t comfort Nolan.  “There’s never been pressure like this before!”  He insisted, nearly in a panic.

Jonah’s eyes flicked to the kitchen clock.  “Just ticked past noon.  How about a little drink to calm you down?”  He suggested gently.

“What, you want me to be completely impotent?!”

Jonah laughed.  “One drink won’t render you useless.”

“If I start now I might not stop.”  Nolan moaned miserably, and hopped up onto the kitchen counter.  He leaned his head back against the cabinet and stared pleadingly up at the soaring ceiling of the townhouse.

Jonah pondered for a minute.  “Well, this may be a little weird for you, coming from me, but Velvet tells me that all of your previous girlfriends have been more than satisfied with your…abilities.”

Nolan’s head tilted down very slowly until he met Jonah’s eyes.  “That is weird for me, yes.” He relayed in a slow deadpan.

Jonah chuckled.  “It was meant to bolster your confidence.”  He smiled broadly.

“Velvet knows these things?”  He asked incredulously.

“Ladies talk.”  Jonah shrugged.

“And then she told you?”  He marveled, his voice climbing in pitch.  “She told my brother that I’m—apparently—a satisfying lover?!”  He sounded mortified.

Jonah cleared his throat.  “Actually, I got the impression that your partners were far more than satisfied.”  He said with a wicked grin, and watched his brother wash over red and blotchy with embarrassment.

“Well shit.”  He said, almost glumly.

Jonah raised his eyebrows.  “I’d imagine it’s better than the alternative, isn’t it?”  He asked.

Nolan rolled his eyes. 

The ‘pause’ sound effect rang from the TV and Jonah heard Grey climb off the couch and walk toward them in the kitchen.  The brothers watched him make a bee-line for the drawer Nolan and Caleb kept stocked with cookies and chips and assorted junkfood. 

“Just one.”  Jonah reminded in a casual tone.  Lecturing went right under Grey’s skin and made him switch immediately into an obstinate defiant frame of mind.  “I thought we’d grab some pizza downtown for lunch.”  He added.  A subtle bribe for good measure.

Grey cocked his head to the side thoughtfully.  “DeNino’s or Pie in the Sky?” He asked shrewdly.

Jonah knew better than to fall into the trap most people didn’t see coming.  Grey respected a person who knew their mind, and he instantly disliked indecision or deferring.  ‘Oh, whatever you want’ was an invitation for this ten-going-on-eleven year old to make your day misery.

“I prefer the crust at Pie in the Sky.”  Jonah responded dispassionately. 

Grey mulled this over as he rooted around for a particular candy bar.  When at last he’d unearthed one he could tolerate, he slid the drawer closed and nodded shortly.  “P.i.t.S. is ok this time, but next time we have to switch it up.”  He bargained.

Jonah squinted, pretending to weigh this counter offer carefully, then he, too, nodded shortly and agreed.  “That seems reasonable.”  Things went better with Grey if you let him think he had talked you into something.

“I’ll go with you next time.”  Nolan said.  “I think Denino’s has it all over Pits.”  He winked at his nephew.

Grey smiled and grabbed a juice box from the refrigerator.  To the surprise of both brothers, Grey chose not to return to the living room and the paused videogame, but chose, instead, to climb into a tall barstool beside Jonah at the kitchen island.

“So, are you nervous about having sex?”  Grey asked bluntly.

Nolan’s whole face changed so cartoonishly that Jonah couldn’t help laughing.  His brother mouthed silently a few times, and blinked a lot.  Grey jammed the little plastic straw into his juicebox and had a long sip.  He watched his uncle without mercy. 

“I’m.”  Nolan struggled.  He sent some ‘help me’ glares at Jonah, but Jonah only smiled and leaned more comfortably back on the stool.  He was enormously relieved it was his brother, and not himself, that was caught in Grey’s unflinching, pale-green scrutiny this time.  “I…am…having some…anxiety about it, yes.”  Nolan finally managed to say, sounding for all the world as though he were making his way through a linguistic mine field.

Grey frowned.  “But you said it was supposed to feel really good.”

Nolan closed his eyes, and though Jonah knew his brother wasn’t religious, it sure looked like he was praying.  Jonah himself was turning beet red from suppressed laughter.   Nolan had said that.  They’d given Grey the birds and the bees talk together.  Velvet had wanted no part in it and begged Jonah to do it.  Jonah had enlisted his brother’s help because he was afraid he’d screw it up if left to his own devices.  He had a tendency to get flowery and longwinded.  Nolan had helped keep the discussion grounded, on-track, and candid.

Now (and not for the first time) it was biting them in the ass, all their open frankness with the boy.

“It is.”  Nolan responded after a moment.  “It does.” He frowned.  “I mean, it should.”

Grey struggled with the candy wrapper, and though Jonah held out his hand in an offer to help, Grey pointedly ignored it and attacked the plastic with his teeth instead.  Jonah smiled despite himself.  “Don’t let your mother see you doing that.”  He reminded with a laugh.

Grey flashed a smile as the plastic ripped and he was able to free the candy.  Then he fixed his uncle with a serious expression.  “Then why are you afraid?”  He demanded.  “You should be glad about it.”

“The boy makes a fair point.”  Jonah said with all the seriousness he could muster.

Nolan glared at him.  “I’m very glad.”  He said patiently.  “But this is my first time with this particular person, and I—“  His stormy gray-blue eyes searched the air infront of him for the right words.  “I guess I just want everything to be perfect.”  He finished almost vulnerably.

Jonah softened.  “Nolan.”  He said quietly.  “Don’t over think it.” He advised, his voice gentle.  “Trust your instincts with this girl—they’ve served you beautifully so far.”

Nolan placed his palms on the counter on either side of him and leaned heavily upon them.  He stared at the kitchen island, concern painted all over his face.  “Jonah if she’s the one and I mess this part up—“  He couldn’t even bring himself to follow the sentence through to conclusion.

“You should give her oral sex.”  Grey interjected sagely, a mouth half-full of chocolate bar.

Jonah’s first instinct was to burst out in delighted laughter.  Having Grey around had never proven boring, and his entertainment value only seemed to increase as he grew.  He just hoped the boy wasn’t teaching all the other kids at school what he’d learned from his afternoon of sex ed with the Delaney brothers.  Because they had certainly covered more ground than your average, run of the mill ‘when a man and a woman love eachother very much’ speech.

And, judging by the latest comment out of his mouth, the boy had retained a good deal of the lesson.

He held his breath and only just barely managed not to laugh.  He didn’t want to undermine Grey’s newly acquired knowledge and nascent exploration with the terminology and the concepts.

Jonah sometimes wondered what had possessed them to answer every single one of the boy’s questions that fateful afternoon a few months back.  Maybe it was their commitment to the oath they’d made to be completely honest and one-hundred-percent open in the discussion(after all, Grey had that spectacular ingrained bullshit meter!).  Perhaps it stemmed from a desire to give the boy a healthy and positive view of sex and sexuality.  At least some of it probably sprang out of this bet-I-can-last-longer-than-you competitive streak they’d had since they were boys; each new question Grey would ask of them,  the brothers would meet eyes and silently dare the other to back down from answering.  Neither had been willing to back down first, and thus, they’d talked and explained and clarified with the boy until he’d exhausted every question and avenue known to him.  He’d seemed fascinated that there was so much more to the ‘Daddy fertilizes an egg in Mommy’s tummy’ explanation that he’d been given a few years before when the family was preparing to welcome Viola into the world, and the even more simplistic explanation Velvet had cooked up when Grey was a kindergartener and they were expecting the twins.

“Thank you Grey.”  Nolan said dryly.  “I had planned on it.”

Grey nodded approvingly and sipped his juicebox, completely unaware that his contribution to the conversation was anything other than ‘one-of-the-guys’.  Jonah grinned broadly at his brother.  Nolan did not respond in kind.

“Definitely do the oral.”  Jonah affirmed with a smirk.  “But beyond that, don’t get all wrapped up in your head about it.”  He implored.  “You said the kissing has been phenomenal.”

Nolan nodded.  Grey made a face that suggested he found kissing to be a less than appetizing activity.  Jonah felt his gut tense with unexpressed laughter.  Oral sex was fine, recommended even, but kissing a girl was on the gross side.  He was practically crying with suppressed mirth. 

“If she’s the one, Nolan, you won’t be able to mess it up.”  He reasoned when he was able to trust his voice.

Nolan widened his eyes and shook his head pityingly.  “Jonah, I can think of about a hundred different scenarios in which this night ends in disaster.”

“Turn off your brain, idiot, and follow the cues she gives you.”  Jonah said firmly.  “You know all this.  What’s this really about?”

Nolan fell silent and once again studied the surface of the kitchen island with great interest.  Hm. 

“Does your penis like her?”

Fuck.  Jonah and Nolan both burst out laughing, unable to help themselves, and then had to work very hard to soothe Grey’s bruised ego.  Nolan helped by teaching the boy some acceptable colloquialisms—explaining that it wasn’t what Grey’d said that was funny, just how he’d phrased it.

Jonah had had to excuse himself for a moment before he was able to get a grip.  When he returned Nolan was handing him a second juice box and telling him that yes, he was very attracted to her and, yes, his body responded just fine, and that wouldn’t be a problem at all, but praised him for his shrewd detective work on the matter.

Jonah cleared his throat.  “Ok, so if it’s not physiological—“  he began with a twinkle in his eye, “then it’s all psychological.”  He stared his brother down.  “What is it?”  He implored earnestly.  “What’s got you so wound up?”

Nolan pressed his fingertips into the island top and met Jonah’s eyes over Grey’s head.  “I love her.”  He said simply.

Jonah pushed his glasses up a fraction and searched his brother’s eyes.  “You said yourself you’ve loved other women.”  He reminded him gently.

Nolan pursed his lips.  “But not first.  Not until after.  Later.  Usually much later than this stage of the game.”  He looked grim and glum.

“Well.”  Said Jonah, his voice kind, “It makes the whole experience infinitely more powerful this way.”

Again Nolan ran an impatient hand through his already wild hair.  “I don’t know.”  He muttered.

The Delaney boys fell quiet, save for the hollow, wet sound of Grey draining his second juicebox. 

“Maybe I should wait.”  Nolan said weakly.  “Take more time.” It hung there limply for a moment, sad and desperate.

“What if she wants to do it, though?”  Grey challenged.

“Well said, Grey.”  Jonah affirmed without condescension.  “It isn’t exactly all your decision here, Nolan.”  He smiled.  “The lady may be looking forward to this evening.”

“If it’s as fun as you say it is.”  Grey ventured, peering at his dad and uncle as if it might all be some elaborate practical joke they were playing on him that they’d just yet to reveal.  Like they’d made up this wild concept of sex just to mess with him. 

Jonah watched his brother drum his fingertips on the countertop with a frenetic energy that manifested from indecision and conflict.

“Can I have a word with your Dad privately Grey?”  Nolan asked.

Grey frowned fiercely.  Jonah wasn’t sure what he should do.  It was healthy for Grey to hear all this, good for him to see his uncle work through this issue.  But it was also Nolan’s private life and not simply a teachable moment for a ten year old.

 “It’s not about sex, it’s about love.”  Nolan elaborated.

Grey rolled his eyes mightily at this pronouncement and made a disgusted little sound as he hopped off the barstool and headed to throw his wrapper and empty cardboard juice boxes in the trash.  “He’s the expert.”  The boy muttered sourly, and headed back to the video game.

Jonah followed him with his eyes, bemused.  What the hell had he meant by that?  It certainly hadn’t sounded charitable.

When the grunts and cartoon punch sounds had resumed Nolan gestured toward the back patio.

Jonah followed, allowing his brother this added privacy, but positioning himself at the windowed door so he could quickly look to see what Grey was up to if necessary.  The boy was ten, so he wasn’t concerned about accidental harm; he was more concerned about intentional mischief.  Grey’s nature was, by default, that of a troublemaker.

“I think I want to tell her.” Nolan said without preamble.

Jonah’s eyebrows rose almost to his scalp.  “Really.”

His brother set to pacing—new location, same nervous habit.  “I know.  Stupid thing to do.  Three dates?  Stupid.”  He lashed himself disapprovingly.  “But I think that’s how it’s got to be.  With her.  With Zahra.”  He sighed heavily and sank unexpectedly to slump in an Adirondack deck chair.

“You’re afraid she doesn’t feel the same?”  Jonah asked softly.

Nolan nodded.  “I’m almost one hundred percent sure that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I really believe that she’ll eventually feel the same, but Jones, she’s younger, you know?  Maybe she needs a little more time.  To get there.”  He scrubbed his fingers through his hair savagely.  “Three dates?  I just don’t want to move too fast and scare her away.”  He despaired.

“So maybe don’t tell her with words.  Perhaps you should let your actions express how you feel.”

Nolan sighed.  “I want us to both feel the same way before we take the next step.”  He said, sounding resolute but powerfully regretful.

“That’s very noble and romantic.”  Jonah said.

“No.”  Nolan argued.  “It’s idiotic and it’ll probably cost me the most amazing woman that’s ever come into my life.”

Jonah chuckled.  “Well, since sex seems to be one of your leading talents—“  He smiled.  “—you may be doing yourself a disservice here…”

“Shut up.”  His brother groused.

“Is she expecting it?  Tonight?  Do you think?”  Jonah asked in a placating gone.

“Honestly?”  Nolan asked.  He looked for Jonah’s nod to go ahead.  “I think she’s wanted it since the afternoon we met, Jones.”  He blew air out through his lips and closed his eyes.  “God knows I have.  It’s all I can think about.  Her face, her body, her hair, her eyes.  The smell of her.  That voice that makes me hum.”  When his eyes re-opened they were blazing with intensity.  “I’m the biggest idiot in the world, aren’t I?”

Jonah tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips.  He tried never to answer rhetorical questions of that nature.

Nolan nodded.  “I’m a fucking moron.”  He concluded.  “I’m going to do what you said.”

Jonah stood a little straighter, always wary of people taking his advice out of context. 

“I’m going to get out of my own fucking way.”  His brother rose to his feet, a newfound determination fueling a sudden energy.  “I’m going to lay my heart out there on the table in every way I possibly can, besides words, and see how she responds.”  His eyes were focused on some future developments Jonah couldn’t see. “I’ll know.  I’ll be able to tell.”

Jonah frowned.  “This sounds a bit like a trap.”  He cautioned.  “Don’t set yourself up with too many expectations—“

“How d’you think Velvet would feel about having us over for dinner tonight?”  Nolan asked suddenly.

Jonah’s eyes went large.  “You want your third date to be a double date?  At a house full of kids?”  He queried, wondering if his brother had lost his marbles.

Nolan nodded.

“Jesus, Nole, I think you’d better run that by Zahra.”  He said firmly, but not unkindly.  “There’ll be plenty of time for us to get to know her—I’m sure of it.”

Nolan shook his head.  “No.  I need to know—“  He said cryptically.  “Can you call her?  Velvet?  Right now, and ask?  I’ll bring the wine, obviously.  Just ask. Please?”

Nolan didn’t wait for an answer, just pushed past a dumbfounded Jonah, into the house, and bounded for the telephone.  “Better yet—how about I cook here and you all come over—is that too hard with the baby?”

Jonah trailed back into the cool of the townhouse and closed the door against the roasting July noon day sun.  “Nolan.”  Jonah didn’t know what to say.

“I have that portable high chair thing; we should be good, right?  I can turn the sprinkler on for the girls—I’ll probably grill or something—whaddaya say?  Can you make it?  You don’t have other plans, right?  I’ll get Caleb home too.”

His brother was flushed with excitement, his handsome face set with determination.

Jonah sighed.  He looked at Grey, whose game was paused again and who was already staring at him, his face a question mark.  He’d have to pull the boy aside and coach him on what was and was not appropriate to say about sex at the dinner this evening.

“What time would you like us here?”  He fixed his most encouraging smile on his face and hoped to hell his brother knew what he was doing.