“But don’t you think I COULD be a princess next time?”
Zahra Delaney sighed. Her youngest child was stubborn, and as romantic as her father. “It doesn’t work like that.” She told her with unending patience.
“Daddy said I might.” She countered, tilting her head to the side and narrowing her eyes.
Zahra had to make a great effort to keep her face neutral. She had an urge to smile and an equal urge to roll her eyes. But she kept her expression bland and patient. “Lola bunny” She said “Daddy likes to spin tales for you.”
The glare she received from her daughter made her chuckle.
“Don’t Laugh!” Scolded Lola in a fit of pride. “He said!” She insisted doggedly. “He said I might be a magical princess in a far-off kingdom with birds and riches and as many puppies as I want—“
“Riches?” Interrupted her mother gently. “What are riches?”
Lola looked blank. “They’re pretty.” She said defensively.
“Yes but what are they?” Zahra pressed, unable to totally suppress the curving of her lips.
“Horses?” Lola tried.
Zahra turned the supermarket cart down the cereal aisle, shaking her head with amusement. “Riches means money and jewels and fine silks and art.” She explained.
“Treasure!” Exclaimed her daughter, a pirate-y gleam flashing in her midnight dark eyes.
“Mmmmhmmm.” She answered, trying to decide between two boxes. “Whose turn is it?” She asked her daughter.
“Mine.” Lola lied boldly.
Zahra looked askance at the girl. “Why is it always your turn when we come to the market?”
Lola’s face turned impish, and Zahra was overwhelmed with how much like her father the diminutive little girl could look. It was the same look the girl’s older brother used to make on a daily basis. Zahra put her eyes on the cereal boxes in her hands and she tried to see the flashy cartoon mascots, tried to focus on the catchy names, but for a moment all she could see was her son. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he would try to pull a fast one, the charming grin that he’d flash to get his way, and that impish twist to his lips when he knew he was putting his toe over the line.
She was aware of Lola’s piping voice but she wasn’t registering any of what the girl was saying. She tried, she really did, but for the life of her she couldn’t make herself hear Lola, not really. Because it was another voice she heard, a man’s, telling her once again that her son was dead.
“Mummieee!” It was the forceful poke in her ribs that brought Zahra rushing back to the reality of the present.
“Don’t you do that.” She scolded, agitated and still half distracted and ashamed of both.
Lola looked at her with wide, hurt eyes and crossed her arms in front of her.
“I’m sorry bunny, what did you say?”
“Nothing.” She pouted.
Zahra pulled her lips into a tight ‘oh’, counted to five, and then asked again, more patiently. “I got distracted. Tell me what you were saying?”
“Just that maybe I should get a treat for helping you at the market all the time.”
Zahra felt the heaviness that had so quickly and relentlessly stolen across her chest begin to dissipate in part. She smiled at her daughter, grateful for the girl’s ability to ground her and buoy her all at once. “A trip to the market isn’t reward enough?” She teased, “You seek riches?”
Lola grinned and Zahra’s heart skipped a beat at the resemblance, but she needed to stay present, didn’t want to allow herself to succumb to the pull of that other place. She was here. Now. She didn’t want to disappear.
It had been more than three years. She very infrequently went to that ‘place’ any more. But his birthday was coming up and so he’d been on her mind more than usual. And she couldn’t remember whose turn it was for cereal because he was missing from the rotation. She never used to have any trouble with it.
“…Because I’m a secret princess?”
Damn. She’d slipped again. She nodded, aware that with that nod she’d likely reinforced some silly nonsense of Nolan’s and given the girl the idea that maybe she’d been reincarnated in this life as a little American girl but that she’d been a powerful princess in one of her previous lives. “Pick your favorite.” She said, and swallowed. With a shaking sigh she put both the boxes from her hands into the carriage as well, Keer’s favorite and Ajay’s favorite both, and it did not go unnoticed by her youngest.
“Why?” She asked, a little in awe. Rules were rules. One cereal a week. Favorites rotated.
Zahra shrugged. “Why not?”
Lola’s little eyebrows shot up. “Can I pick two?”
Zahra laughed deeply. “Tell you what,” She said, when she was able to, “You can pick one for you and pick one out for Daddy too.”
Lola bounced up and down and ran off down the aisle, tasked with a quest, and Zahra reprimanded herself for being so dangerously reckless. What if Lola had slipped away while she was daydreaming? What if she’d wandered off and been taken because her mother was indulging in memories that ought to stay buried and undisturbed? She shivered and watched the little girl’s contemplations in the region of the shredded wheat. “Your father isn’t an old man!” Zahra called, with a laugh, “He won’t touch that stuff!”
Lola giggled. “Daa-Daa-Jee has that at his house.” She reasoned, wrinkling her nose.
“Exactly.” Zahra nodded. “And your grandfather is old.” The two shared a laugh at Zahra’s father’s expense.
Lola washed over consternated. “I guess I don’t know what cereal is his favorite.” This realization seemed to distress her daughter. Lola liked to think herself something of an expert on Nolan Delaney.
Zahra made a sympathetic face and then smiled. “How would you know? We never get to have our favorites, do we? It’s always for you kids!”
Lola’s mouth fell open. “You like cereal?” The very concept seemed to be absurd or fantastical to the girl.
Zahra laughed quietly. “Before you kids were born your father and I ate cereal every day.” She exaggerated, taking on the same tone of voice she’d use to retell fairy tales and creation stories. “In fact, my idea of a perfect night was curling up next to your Daddy on the couch, each with a bowl of cereal, and watching a movie.”
Lola looked as if she wasn’t quite sure she could believe this, it sounded so made-up. “What was your favorite then?” she quizzed.
Zahra thought about having her guess, but it was getting late enough already and if she wanted to finish up and get home to start dinner she’d need to hurry them along as it was. She back-tracked up the aisle and reached for a box. “This was definitely one of them.” She said nostalgically. “I ate this all the time when I was pregnant with your sister.”
“Really?” Lola squeeled. “I like that one too!”
Zahra knew this, and would usually sneak a bowl whenever Lola chose this cereal for her ‘favorite’.
“What did you eat when you were having me?” She piped exuberantly. One of Lola’s main interests was herself—how she’d been born, what she’d been like as a baby, the amusing things she’d done in her toddling years that she couldn’t remember.
“Mangoes.” Zahra replied without hesitation, to which Lola responded with a gleeful trill. And then “And spinach.” That was a lie.
Lola pulled a disgusted face. “No!”
Zahra nodded. “Absolutely.” She kept her face serious and her voice perfectly earnest. “Palak Paneer, Aloo Palak, Green Poori, even raw spinach salad—“
“Yuck!” Lola was thoroughly repulsed by the notion.
“That’s why I don’t understand why you won’t eat it now.” Explained Zahra, “Because you couldn’t get enough of it when you were growing inside me.”
She hadn’t eaten an exceptional amount of the stuff while she was pregnant, she’d craved certain spinach dishes once or twice, but nothing out of the ordinary. But Lola was a frustratingly picky eater, and her abhorrence of spinach was making her mother’s menu planning unduly difficult.
“I must have been crazy.” Reasoned Lola, her face still scrunched with disgust.
“I think you’re crazy now, bun.”
Lola stuck her tongue out and Zahra raised her eyebrows high and pursed her lips to keep from smiling. She was incorrigible. “I’ll cut out that tongue if I ever catch it.” She cautioned her.
Lola laughed brightly and did a pretty twirl. “Help me pick one for Daddy.”
Zahra sighed and took a moment to acknowledge how warm and peaceful her heart was feeling once again. As soon as she could capture that little wisp she’d give her a grateful squeeze. She was a perfect blessing. She moved to put the cereal box back and hesitated, the box in limbo between carriage and shelf. “What the hell?” She asked herself and then tossed it into the cart. They’d have an inordinate glut of breakfast cereal for the next couple weeks. There were worse things, she supposed. She’d go but some extra bananas and oranges to feel better about the poor dietary decision. And she’d need more milk.
“Good afternoon Mrs. Delaney.”
Zahra turned toward the pleasant greeting, a ready smile, and froze. “Raisin Bran.” She called to her daughter, her voice tight. “Hello, Doctor Sloan.” She said rather rigidly. “What brings you to Cedar Falls?” Zahra wondered if she were still lost in some sick daydream. She glanced over to where Lola was trying to reach a box of raisin bran from a shelf much taller than herself.
“I’m moving my practice.” The woman responded casually, and Zahra’s heart clenched.
“They’re opening a clinic?—“
“No, no, no.” Assured Dr. Sloane quickly. “No, it’ll be primarily Ob\Gyn.”
Zahra nodded and swallowed the thick lump forming in her throat. The two women stared at each other for a moment.
“Do you have family here?” Zahra managed to ask, working hard to overcome the awkwardness, the panic, the ice-cold flood of despair and guilt coursing through her veins at the sight of this woman.
“I grew up here, yeah, My Parents are still here and my sister. I haven’t been back in ages though, they usually come to the city to visit me!” As the Doctor answered she moved deftly toward Lola and lifted down the box into outstretched hands. Zahra knew her daughter well enough to know the girl would be sorely disappointed with the assistance. But she shot her a warning glance and the little girl understood its meaning. “Thank you.” She said, and while her mother could hear the begrudging obstinance in it she doubted the doctor perceived it.
“No problem” the green-eyed beauty told the little sprite with a pleasant smile.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know any Sloans, I don’t think. I didn’t know you were from around here.” It wasn’t the doctor’s fault Zahra never wanted to see her again, she didn’t deserve to be given the cold shoulder.
“Oh Sloan’s my married name—well, divorced now, but I kept the name since it’s on all my medical degrees and what not!” She laughed and Zahra forced a smile.
“Mumma?”
Zahra looked down into her daughter’s deep, dark eyes. “Lola this is my friend Dr. Sloan.” She said, answering the girl’s unasked question. “She used to be my doctor.”
Lola extended her hand in the confident, comfortable way she’d learned from her father and Dr. Sloan laughed, a little surprised and probably a little impressed.
“Hello Lola, It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Her tone was friendly, but not condescending.
“Nice to meet your quaintance.” Replied Lola seriously. “What kind of doctor are you?”
Dr. Sloan’s eyes met Zahra’s. “She’s a doctor like your Uncle Sam—she helps mothers and babies.” Zahra explained, her heart beating uncomfortably in her breast.
Lola’s face lit up. “That’s what I want to be!” She declared passionately. Zahra clucked her tongue. Lola must have expressed her desire to be almost every profession at one point or another.
“Really?” Dr. Sloan asked, again surprised and impressed.
Lola nodded vigorously. “And Also though, did you know that I might be a princess?”
“Is that so?”
“Mmmhmm, yup, and also, too, I already was one.”
“For Halloween?”
Lola rolled her eyes. “No, for REAL.”
“Oh, pardon me.” Said the Doctor, appropriately contrite. “You were one?”
“In another life!”
Doctor Sloan’s eyes glazed over for a beat and then she looked like she could have slapped her forehead. She blushed a little. Zahra wished WASPS didn’t always feel so damned guilty about their cultural ignorance. “Of course.” Replied Doctor Sloan earnestly. “I wonder what I might have been.” She indulged.
Zahra shuddered as she pictured where the doctor might end up in her next life. Or maybe all the safe deliveries helped balance the other procedures? She couldn’t be sure, she was no theologian.
“Do you like animals?” Lola queried.
“I love animals.” Replied the doctor readily. “I have two cats.”
Lola looked more than a little envious. “Then I think you were a Vet!”
Zahra sighed. That, she supposed, seemed a perfectly logical combination, didn’t it? “Lola, bunny, will you run down the end and grab us some oatmeal?”
Lola did three twirls, a little hop, and a frilly hand flourish before dashing off toward the oatmeal with a ‘zoom’ noise. The girl always perked up tenfold and became showy when she met new people.
“She’s beautiful Mrs. Delaney.” Dr. Sloan murmured, also following the girl’s skipping progress.
“Zahra, please.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you, I was really just glad to see a familiar face.” The doctor said soberly. “It was insensitive, maybe? I apologize.”
Zahra looked at the attractive doctor, who was even younger than herself, and she smiled sadly. “Please don’t apologize Doctor. You helped me.” Her tongue felt clumsy. She wanted to express herself better but she wasn’t feeling especially articulate. “But my husband, no one, knows—“
“I was your Gynecologist for a brief time Zahra, nothing more needs to be said.” She smiled a small, friendly smile and her eyes were sympathetic. “And please; Cassidy.” She said, putting a hand to her chest.
“Is this the right kind?” Lola asked, and even before turning Zahra could tell from the girl’s tone that it would not be the right kind. Knew it would have artificial strawberries and maple sugar and chocolate or some other kid-friendly flavor enhancers.
“When will you be set up? In practice?” Zahra asked, thinking maybe she’d switch. If she were to be completely honest about it, she preferred a female OB\GYN and only went to Sam Bennett because he was a close family friend.
“Oh probably two more weeks and I’ll be ready to go.” She said, her smile widening. “I’ve leased space pretty near the town center.”
Zahra groaned inwardly. The woman wanted to be in direct competition with Sam. She glanced down at Lola who was tapping her costume-ruby-slippered foot in a display of dramatic impatience. “No Bun, you know better.” She said gently and pointed back down the aisle.
“And where are you living?” She asked the Doctor.
“I got a townhouse in the old factory district.” She replied.
Zahra grinned. “My brother in law lives there.” That was where Nolan had been living when they’d met and fallen in love. When she’d curled up on the couch with cereal and her lover and watched old movies.
They were quiet for a moment and Zahra realized she should ask the doctor over for dinner or lunch sometime. She almost did, out of compulsory politeness. But then the image of the last time they’d met flashed in her memory. The grief, the anxiety, the guilt and the shame. And that reminded her of why she’d done what she’d done, why she’d sought out a Doctor like Dr. Sloan; and a series of images flipped through her mind like an out-of-control movie reel gone haywire.
Cole’s beautiful, mischievous face, his laugh that could make a stone statue smile. Then his face as it appeared on the operating table, with all that vitality drained and absent. Nolan. Nolan destroying himself. Broken and lost and estranged. The funeral. The flowers. The baby—Lola had been so tiny still, and Ajay, and Keer, confused and needing, and adrift. And the crying and the grief and the bitter arguments and her own face in the mirror, the dark circles, the un-brushed hair, the despair. Then the morning she saw the pink plus symbol--
And she couldn’t have the woman over for dinner.
Their life was so much better now. They were a family again. They were happy and healthier and moving on, and functioning, and loving every single day. Grateful and generous with each other, and good, and she knew she couldn’t do anything to jeopardize it in the slightest. Because she’d seen how terribly, horribly fragile it all could be, and she wasn’t about to lose the new balance they’d struck.
“Good Luck with everything Doctor.” Zahra said, a little more abruptly than she’d intended. “I hope you settle in nicely.” She added, trying to smooth over the obvious brush-off. “I hope to see you soon.” It wasn’t true. She hoped the woman might disappear and never again remind her of that awful, awful time in her life.
The Doctor tilted her head just slightly to the side and blinked, her friendly smile slipping fractionally. Then she composed her features into a perfectly genial expression, nodded, and it was understood between them. No hard feelings, but it would be too painful, probably, to be anything more than strictly professional. It was too bad, Zahra thought, because Dr. Sloan, Cassidy, seemed like she might be a good friend.
“It was great seeing you again Mrs. Delaney.” The woman said amiably. “Be gentle with yourself.” She added softly, looking deep into Zahra’s eyes with an understanding and compassion that stole her breath. Then “Goodbye Lola!” She Called. “It was great to meet you.”
Lola waved rapidly as she scooted once more toward her mother’s carriage, carrying an appropriately mundane cylinder of oatmeal. “Bye, Dr. Kittens!” She responded and then erupted in a peal of self amused giggles.
Zahra flushed but Dr. Sloan looked completely delighted. “I like kittens a lot more than I like my ex-husband!” She said with a wry tone of voice before departing the cereal aisle without adding anything to the plastic basket she carried.
Zahra’s knees felt a little wobbly and her stomach was twisting uncomfortably. She ran down the list of what remained to be gathered and knew she’d never be able to do it, not feeling the way she did right then.
“What do you say we have cereal for dinner tonight?” She asked Lola brightly.
“Reallyyyyyyy?!”
Zahra nodded. She’d made the executive decision. Setting her carriage toward the milk she decided she’d try to tackle the market again tomorrow. “And watch a movie.”
